For the past five years I've wondered if this will be the winter that kills him. But his old body remains strong even as he spends more and more of the day sleeping. You know the roller coaster of dementia. He's had weeks like this before but then has popped back up to a full day awake.
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| Daniel Kainz |
This is part of the craziness for the carer. Even though you can find plenty of information about dementia in many different places, no experience is just the same as another. This used to add to my experience of the craziness of this ride. But my experience in September did something to my mind. It knocked me finally into acceptance, or so it seems. Acceptance of my situation, acceptance of my addiction, acceptance of this journey as my journey and it's okay.
I ran into a neighbor while dog walking last week and she mentioned her anxiety and I said, "We're protected and I don't worry about things I can't control." I didn't add, "since I almost died" or "since I almost accidentally killed myself." She said that I was facing life with much more equanimity than she. But really, for my spouse and I, our personal world is far more important to me than "the fate of the republic."
This isn't, of course, the person I thought I was in my youth, when I was a red, white, and blue patriot, believing absolutely in the promise of America. I lost that belief in high school and further cemented the loss through the rest of my schooling as I learned about American imperialism. So some of my equanimity flows from my understanding of America's sins and my sense that all the conflict and division we've been seeing is a "natural" outcome of the structure of an imperialist nation. Power seeks more power.
But in the Christianity in which I believe, power should give itself away. The least should be first and the first least. The powerful should seek to empower the powerless, rather than treating them as farm animals. The Word of God makes that clear. The power of this earth is contrary to the power of the Holy. Christ as the Word shows us that what God wants us to do is raise up those who are fallen, not kick them.
Thus, I see the dumpster fire of American politics as "natural" to the fall of a failing empire. Too many people seeking power to protect the powerful instead of healing and feeding the powerless.
Of course I'm protected from worry by our good finances. We both have pensions and own our house and property outright. So I can afford to be relatively worry free, if I don't imagine the incontinent future but even that I know I'll be able to manage. As my therapist reminds me, I'm resilient.
I did get him to the ophthalmologist a while back to find out if his lack of reading was because his left eye was shutting down and it appears that it's actually due to his dementia.
I hug him and tell him I love him. It's hard to do things for him because he doesn't want things done. He fell again two days ago when I was downstairs. I heard him hit the floor and when I came upstairs he was on his knees. I couldn't figure out why he'd fallen and he denied he'd become dizzy. I've gotten rid of our rugs but there was a tiny dog bed (for the little guy) in front of an end table and he may have tripped over that.
Well, this is a rattly entry. This is such a long, slow, journey, full of answered and unanswered prayers.
