Numbing

I wish I had the proper metaphor for the complicated grief of being a dementia carer.  Is it like having a tooth pulled for five years?  Like having one's leg cut off a millimeter at a time?

I feel some shame for my current relapse into weed addiction.  I was straight all through May and then fell again.  I will need to sober up again soon in order to do my proper work as a facilitator in an ongoing church program.  I sort of look forward to getting clear again, although I know the first

two weeks will be very hard.  And then I will be able to "feel my feelings" again.

Great.  Just fucking great.  

I think about my former therapist and his way of asking if I was numbing myself, his tone telling me that it was exactly what I should not be doing.  Why is it that it's okay to numb some physical pain but not emotional pain?  

My current therapist understands why I'm numbing.  She's not supportive of my choice but she doesn't shame me.