Most Embarrassing Moment

 

Photo by Erik Mclean

When I was in junior high I read this "girls" magazine that had a column of four stories each months called, "My Most Embarrassing Moment."  I always read these before and sometimes instead of everything else.  At least I don't remember anything else.  I remember being amused and horrified while empathizing with those who told their stories.

I had a most embarrassing moment just a few minutes ago.  I left the mic of my zoom on (fortunately video off) while in the bathroom and then was called out for it by name.  I waited a few minutes for the call out to sink in and then left the zoom.

I felt anger at being called out and made to look stupid in front of a bunch of friends, especially since I did a wake and bake this morning and WAS stupid.  Oh, well.  I wasn't looking forward to attending that particular meeting anyway.

I also carry anger at the meeting leader for past thoughtless behavior.  

Yes, I know.  I could communicate to him my thoughts about things.  But would he change?  Probably not.  When he is stressed and trying to be "nice" in spite of his irritation, his unconscious takes over and mean things come out of his mouth.  Like this morning my name.  Would he have chosen to embarrass me?  I hope not.

My new therapist says anger is a secondary emotion covering fear.  So what am I afraid of?  I'm afraid of thinking that this meeting leader is a jerk and/or doesn't like me.  Or maybe she said sorrow?  Or grief?  That my anger covered my grief?  Do I think I will lose this group of friends because they maybe heard me peeing?  Will they now think of me as the pee-er?  

If Will could still understand my longer thoughts, my contemporary thoughts, I could tell him and we could laugh about it.

But for right now I'll content myself with saying, "Fuck you, team leader."