I Believe

If I had the energy, I'd craft a full parody of "I Believe" but instead use aspects of the particular brand of Christianity to which I subscribe -- high(ish) church Episcopalianism.  Or is Trinity middle church?  I don't know.

But really, all I could think of right now as ridiculous was all the stuff I find beautiful -- the costumes, the holy hardware, the belief in the holiness of the priest and that metaphorically bonking someone on the head with a wand that has been passed on from the guy who bonked the bonker on the head - well - yes silly.

And that's what makes it glorious.  We cannot approach the great Mystery directly.  Those who do go mad.  So we place art and structure around it.

Gavin Creel as Elder Price at the Olivier's

I can't approach.  I place art and structure.  Might as well fucking own my beliefs and feelings.

I'm at my office.  It's 5:21 am and the sky is just lightening.  In summer, I miss most of the morning spectacle because the sun rises further north.  But in fall and winter, the sunrises are spectacular from my perch at The Haven - scarlet fading to peach, reflected in the river.  

I am blessed to have the money to do this.  I would rather have my Will as he was.  I would rather be living poor again and have his full mind with me, even if his body were just as wilted as it is now.

He stayed up yesterday from 11:00 am through the afternoon and evening.  He ate a piece of toast and two glasses of juice with ensure.  He sat in the wingbacks all afternoon.  He had a mild fecal leakage in one of them that became messy pants and bathroom.  But I got both the chair, him and the bathroom cleaned up. He had shit down his leg and I used the wipes from the Hospice to get him cleaned up.  He needs a bath today.  When I went downstairs at night to watch a Bette Davis movie (TCM's Month Under the Stars) I heard him moving around upstairs and he finally came down to watch.  Then we went to bed.

I believe this is where I am supposed to be.

"The scriptures say that if you ask in faith,
If you ask God himself you'll know.
But you must ask him without any doubt,
And let your spirit grow!"

-- Trey Parker