Shitty Morning / Answered Prayers

 This post was started Saturday.  Shitty Saturday.

We moved him to a hospital bed either in time or past time.  So much shit pouring out of him this morning and he was so uncomfortable.  But at least it didn't start till I got up.  He may be able to get out of the bed but he shouldn't try to walk without help or he'll fall and be in real pain.  So I kept cleaning him and thinking I was done and then more shit.  But in the "end" it's my fault.  I didn't give him his anti-diarrheal yesterday because it's a gelcap and I thought he couldn't swallow.  I did manage to get two down him after the sixth time I cleaned him and put a fresh chuck under him.

On the plus side, I've been praying for a gigolo and out of the mists of time I got a call from someone I knew in high school.  (He played Oberon in the senior play.)  He asked how I was and I unloaded on him.  Then I asked for his story.  It was a pretty West Coast American upper professional class story of success and sadness.  And it reminded me that I never want to be married again.

---------- Tuesday morning -------

Several friends stopped by over the weekend.  AND my priest finally contacted me with a prayer and apology for missing what was happening with me (even though we're fucking Facebook friends and he had the same ability to get my original post in a timely manner - which tells me I'm not his top 15.  Or is it 8?

I feel surrounded by love and care.  It's still hard, but some of the emotional heavy lifting feels shared.

And I made an important decision yesterday.  If my old friend is not dead by Christmas, I will not be going to New York to see Hugh Jackman.  There's no way my sister can manage what's happening now plus not being with him as he dies seems an ignominious end to such a long and loving relationship.

I remember 4 or 5 years ago a one-time friend of mine telling me that it was good for an acquaintance (who had had to have her demented spouse institutionalized because - Alzheimer's) to stay on her vacation when her husband was dying in the care home. I thought at the time that it was a reasonable choice, but not something I could do.  Up until two days ago I thought my thinking had changed -- I thought I could leave him to others.  But I can't leave him to unpracticed others.  There's too much care involved now.  And I love him still and don't want him afraid.