A Lot of Blood Under the Bridge

Lest I get too weepy at the loss of my longtime companion, let me share those aspect of himself that were not so admirable.  Perhaps if I keep these in mind, I'll appreciate his sweetness at the end more and feel wounded at his leaving less.

 

A.  Eternal critical view of the world.

He used to quote the pillow owned by Alice Roosevelt Longworth:  "IF YOU CAN’T SAY SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT SOMEONE, SIT RIGHT HERE BY ME." 

Since I have known him (1971) he has been proud of his "high standards."  For 33 years, these standards made him a really tough grader in an era of grade inflation, a choice he later admitted to me he regretted. They also seem to have made him critical of people and places as well, though in those situations, his cantankerousness might have been do to a life-long practice of kvetching.

A great example from five years ago (I remember because it was such an archetypal Will moment that I have replayed it in writing or orally several times).  We were driving down Newport Avenue in the spring with the trees budding.There were some clouds in the sky but overall it was a beautiful day.  So I said, "Look at the trees!  Spring is coming!"  And what did he say?  Yup, you guessed it.  "But I bet it will rain by nightfall."

Early in our relationship he turned his critical eye on me.  The first ten years, before I really grew up, we were as often miserable with each other as we were happy.  He complained about the size of my breasts ("More than a mouthful is wasted," he once said during sex.)  He never told me I was pretty or beautiful and I assumed that was because he couldn't lie and I was neither.  When I wrote poetry or fiction and showed it to him, his first words were always what was wrong.  (I stopped writing.)  After we were married, if I wanted sex more than he did he accused me of thinking he was a machine.  Because of my writing habits he called me Ms. Roughdraft and said I was "glib."

During and after our 7 years of semi-separation, I told him I was no longer willing to live with someone who used sarcasm and criticism on me.  So he stopped.  But he continued to use it on everyone else.

I remember one evening at a party he was going on about how awful a local chorus was to someone who was a MEMBER of that choir.  And then there was the time that he publicly yelled at the president of my college (who was then and is now my friend).

His constant negativity and his inability to manage it wearied me.

B.  Lack of self awareness

I asked him once why he exploded at people and he said he didn't know.  He didn't believe in psychotherapy.  He had trouble sharing his emotions even when he agreed to do so (during marriage counseling, for example.) He had no idea of the impact his behavior had on other people.  When I noted that sometimes he was so understanding and sometimes he was mean, he said, "Well, I'm a Gemini."  And I really think that's as close as he could get to a cognitive explanation of himself to himself.

C.  Lack of awareness and concern for others

1. a.  See comments above about the choir.  
2. b.  Throughout our life together I refused to go through shopping lines with him (he was the grocery buyer) because he would regularly make his face and voice angry as he complained to the clerks about high prices.  Because he had no self-awareness, he didn't know how his fierce eyes and face could be scary and offensive.
3. c.  A few times he managed to insult or annoy people with whom I worked, such as the event at the Bend Brewing Co. when, during a promotion celebration event, he started yelling at my big boss, the college president, who was hosting the event.
4. d.  Most importantly:  many times during our first ten years together, I would spill out my heart and soul to him, being deep and vulnerable and then ask him, "What do you think?" and he would say something like, "I think it's about time to plant the tomatoes" or "I should probably start dinner."  This behavior had the impact you might imagine it would have on a twenty-something hungry for love and acceptance. 
5. e.  The long polyandry vs. monogamy debate.  When I first met Will I was full of the concept of "free love" as written about by Mary Wollstonecraft and Lord Bertrand Russell.  He got into our sex life fully and completely just after I seduced him (I was 18 and he was 41).  I told him about who I was and what I believed and he seemed to acquiesce - at least he didn't argue.  The first blow to my belief that he understood me happened shortly after we first got together.  I flew back home over Christmas and had a date with my lover from the previous summer.  I happily told Will about it when I got back to Pocatello and he freaked out.  Eventually, he let me know that he didn't want to hear about it, saying things like, "You don't need my approval for things you do."  Our life went on from there but the argument was never settled, even though it went underground and then erupted again ten year on.  I asked him, some thirty years later, why he hadn't believed me when I told him who I was and he said, "I thought you were going through a phase."  {As for what I now believe, while I am a confessed Christian, I'm not supposed to support ethical polyandry but, well....}
   
6. f.  He could never figure out how to please me sexually. I think this was because he couldn't imagine himself out of his male body, could not imagine or understand female response.  (This gave more fuel to my side of the debate mentioned above.)

 
And there you have it.  The Bad Side of my sweetheart.  The Good Side - funny, warm, intelligent, handsome, sexy, loving - clearly overrode the bad side from 1990 on.  He would tell you, "I'm a Gemini."